Sarcology 101

America Is Only As Good As Your Next Door Neighbor
© 2002 Jim Ocean

Mrs. Adrianowitz has dogs the size of cars

They shit all over everything, and bark at any hour

She treats them just like royalty; puts steak inside their mouths

And criticism only comes as far as you can shout

Chorus:  America is only as good as your next door neighbor

Jessee is a dealer; he lives across the street

He sells to all the high school kids, but tries to stay discreet

I've tried to tell the cops sometimes, but they don't have the will

And when my house gets burglarized it makes me want to KILL!

Repeat Chorus: 2X

Bridge:  The sign in the window says they're moving away

The children are crying 'cause they're leaving today

She gets the Lexus. He gets the truck. Their house looks so empty here on the block

And all of us were watching. Our eyes were hidden safe behind the door

Yes all of us were watching. We've seen this scene a hundred times before

The Johnson's own a duplex; they live just down the road

They've been here since the 40's; they've watched us come and go

They've seen us with our children; they've watched us thru divorce

I wonder what they think sometimes, when they look outside the door

Repeat Chorus: 2X

OUTRO:

I'm gonna get that dog....next door

I'm gonna get that dog....next door

I'm gonna get that dog...next door

I'm gonna get that dog...next door neighbor!

Baby Valium
© Jim Ocean
Sooth your troubles at midnight Mom by using
Baby Valium Baby
No more squalling at three a.m.
I’m using Baby Valium baby

Sleeping in was a luxury
I threw out with the diapers
Listen Mother what I have found
Baby always sleeps so sound

Safe for even the smallest toddler
I use Baby Valium baby
It quiets even the meanest bawler
I use Baby Valium baby

Temper tantrums are in control
No more looking over my shoulder
No more reason to scream and shout
Baby’s medicated now

Sleep....
Safe and restful sleep
Tenderly she sleeps
Like a piece of milk fed veal...

No more gagging with red bandanas
I use Baby Valium baby
Just two drops in the mashed bananas
I use Baby Valium baby
All you mothers who’re horrified
With this particular notion
Try it once you’ll be satisfied
I’ve a seven year supply

“Buffy! Buffy wake up! Wake up! You’re five now.”

Friends as White Noise
© Jim Ocean

I see you talking through the steam
I’ve tried to listen but I’m unable
Your words go through me like Vaseline
And when I try for your attention
You seem to always lose your poise

Because your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise

You want me for decoration
Just something buzzing in the air
I’m like a glass of white carnations
Something live to fill a chair
But when this nik-nak comes to life dear
You always get so damned annoyed

Because your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise
I said your friends...your friends are white noise

Remember when we met
I was your friendly silhouette
But now you treat me like a pet
I’m just the snow on your set.

“Well you know it’s our second date and the guy is walking me home and we get to my apartment door and I put out my hand to give the guy a handshake and wish him a very good evening when all of a sudden the guy is
all over me like a cheap suit I mean his hands are everywhere I don’t care two dates he spends a little bit of money on me it doesn’t make any difference to me I’m sorry I’m a liberated woman so I thought I gotta get out
of here so I start looking in my purse for the key to my apartment door
and I can’t find the damned key anywhere meanwhile the guys hands are
like still all over me and I start screaming!”

“I’d finally found the woman of my dreams. You know the kind of woman who fulfills every expectation you’ve ever had about a relationship? There was really only one side of a relationship we haven’t fully explored, so I thought it was about time we found out whether we were sexually compatible or not, I mean it was our third date after all, so I start fondling her on her shoulder pads, slipped down to kiss her, she turns around slaps me on the face and says “I knew you were that kind of man and I never want to see you again!”

I think I’ll charge you for my service
Like public TV you’ll get a bill
Because without me you’d get so nervous
The walls would cave in
You’d need a pill
I’m the talk show in the background
I’m you’re wind-up Sigmond Freud

I’m just your friend...and I’m just white noise
I’m just your friend...and I’m just white noise
I’m just your friend...and I’m just white noise
I’m just your friend...and I’m just white noise

“So I start you know knocking on my apartment door for my roommate  Charlene, and he’s like fondling me outside it, and I realize she’s got the tube on so loud she can’t hear me, and I’m knocking really loud saying
Charlene, Charlene let me in, get me away from this idiot, so she finally l
ets me in, and I’m about to slam the door on the guys face, and you know what the guy says to me, he says, “Can I see you tomorrow?” Can you
believe that...I mean what a jerk ...I’m sorry what a totally insensitive clod!”

“So I lost her, you know there must be something wrong here, this is the woman I could spend the rest of my life with, so I decide to give her one more chance, I come up and knock on the door, and I say I really wanna do
it, I really want to have a relationship with you, and I think it’s right, you know, and she says, “No, I never wanna see you again!” I can’t believe it, I just don’t understand, that’ it!”

“What? I’m sorry what did you say? Huh?”

Gas, Food, Lodging
© Jim Ocean

Take a drive to the wide open spaces
Where the freeway rolls out like a tongue
See the sign that’s lapping the face of
A town standing out in the sun
Swim along with the rest of the fishes
Til your bladder can’t keep up the pace
When your ears hear the clatter of dishes
You’ve arrived in a familiar place

Gas, Food, Lodging
Anywhere USA, anywhere USA
Gas, Food, Lodging
That’s my home town
That’s my home town…yea!

Everything looks so damned familiar
Though you’ve never been here before
Like a dream you can almost remember
So routine you could hear this place snore
You could drive through this town
with your eyes closed
Cause you’ve memorized every view
When the hamburger smell hits your nose
It’s a carefully planned deja vu’

Gas, Food, Lodging
Anywhere USA, anywhere USA
Gas, Food, Lodging
That’s my home town
That’s my home town…

And the people, god fearing people
Raising children as a hobby
In the evening they have ice cream
Around a glowing color TV
Amen…amen…

Time to drive away from this cartoon
With a Styrofoam cup on your knee
A few more miles you’ll be needing a bathroom
Get some gas, pay the bill, here’s the key
But you’ll find that this town goes forever
It’s all part of a larger design
The umbilical cord will not sever
Just keep looking out for the signs

Gas, Food, Lodging
Anywhere USA, anywhere USA
Gas, Food, Lodging
That’s my home town
I said…that’s where I live
That’s my home town
Don’t put it down
That’s my town!

Green Pictures of Dead Presidents
By Jim Ocean

Who’s at my door?
It’s my landlord screaming like a man of war
He’s got me down on my knees
Wishing money would grow on trees

Well first you kill a tree, and then you send it down the river
Decapitate the branches and exfoliate the bark
Grind it into pulp and mix it with some water
Roll it into sheets and print it with official marks
To get green pictures of dead presidents

Oh I feel so low
I’m too short to be a gigolo
And I’ve got nothing but time
Maybe I should try a life of crime

But your neighbor has a dobie, and the banks have got surveillance
Computers track the whereabouts of every single dime
You’ll find it hard to run against this formidable offense
A helicopter grapple hook will grab you from behind
To get Green Pictures of Dead Presidents

Oh, Whoa, Yeah, Yeah
Do-Des-Ca-Den Do-Des-Ca-Den
Whooo! Whooo!
Oh, Whoa, Yeah, Yeah
Do-Des-Ca-Den Do-Des-Ca-Den
Whooo! Whooo!

Oh well, I might just drop out
Curse at strangers, swear and pout
Let my hair grow wild, Glide on the surface like a crocodile

But the authorities will make it hard to sleep inside a doorway
And lavatory privileges are very hard to find
The characters you meet will often make you feel afraid
You need some legal tender, something folded neat and dry

Well you…need…something green, something dead…deneros (4x)
Oh, Whoa, Yeah, Yeah
Do-Des-Ca-Den Do-Des-Ca-Den
Whooo! Whooo!

Hard to be Real
© Jim Ocean

Jessica’s body is like chiffon
She smoothes it one fold at a time
But the surgical steel and the silicon
Have had an effect on her mind.

She’s got the sexiest body that money can buy
But still it is never enough
Her molded derriere and her blue-tinted eyes
Have never produced any love

Still when she’s posing
She’s looking so hot
But it’s hard to be real
When you’re not.

Jonathan’s body is like a well
He pumps up the juices so hard
His ego expands as his muscles swell
As he grins in his black leotard

He’s got the sexiest body that iron can forge
Though his rippling muscles are scarred
No steroid injections or food he can gorge
Will fill up the space in his heart

Still when he’s posing
He’s looking so hot
But it’s hard to be real
When you’re not.

Yes, it’s hard to be real
When you’re not

I’m under the surface, this beautiful surface
I’m under the surface, this beautiful surface

Help Me I Think I’m Turning Into My Wife
© Jim Ocean

Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my wife!

In the formative days of his college years
He was a horny musician with a tune in his ears
He was the life of the party drinking everybody else’s beer
Frayed at the edges he was disorganized
There was a haze in his brain
There was a glaze on his eyes
But he snapped to attention
When his head felt that shower of rice

She was a serious woman with head full of plans
She had her mind on the future and a list in her hand
And as she aimed a direction
You could hear the man start to cry

Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my wife!

Well they melted together like two crayons in heat
But her color was stronger and he couldn’t compete
So she colored the future and he settled into defeat
On his social behavior she is keeping a lid
And now they only see people with a boat and a kid
So he sits at the table with the eyes of a lifeless squid

She was a serious woman with head full of plans
She had her mind on the future and a list in her hand
And as she balanced the checkbook
You could hear the man start to cry

Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my wife!

It’s for your own good
If I hadn’t have found you you’d be dead in the water
It’s for your own good
You’d be driving jalopies with some junk up your nose
It’s for your own good
You’d be stuck with some bimbo, but you’d like that!
Right!
It’s for your own good…

They were joined at the wallet
They were joined at the heart
They were cemented together
You couldn’t tear them apart
They were a two-headed monster
You could tell from the very start
With no clear direction she could nudge him along
But then he lost his affection his desire was gone
So he used his aggression
To fertilize the lawn

She was a serious woman with head full of plans
She had her mind on the future and a list in her hand
And as she paid his insurance
You could hear the man start to cry

Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my
Help me help me I think I’m turning into my wife!

Little Head
© By Jim Ocean

The battle for the higher mind is lost below the waist
If chemistry is what you find, you’ll want more than a taste
If Caesar’s brain had been in charge, he might have lived till May
But Cleopatra made him large, now all that we can say is

The little head is talking to the big head
The little head is talking too loud
The little head is talking to the big head
“Hey buddy, won’t you let me out”

The struggle for the right of way is old as skin and bone
And which desire gets its way depends on what is growin’
If Samson’s thoughts had been more pure, he might have saved his hair
Delilah fought with something sure, it really wasn’t fair

(No it wasn’t fair)
The little head is talking to the big head
The little head is talking too loud
The little head is talking to the big head
“Hey buddy, won’t you let me out”

Bridge:
Wah, wah, wah,
Blame it on procreation
Blame it on recreation
The manifestation of manipulation will make you grow hair on your palms, Oy!

The argument for love is fine, it comes from every mouth
But those want it unrefined are always heading south
William Clinton, Paula Jones, America said “Shame on you”
But what we accept, what we condone is not what we will do

(What we won’t do)
The little head is talking to the big head
The little head is talking too loud
The little head is talking to the big head
“Hey buddy, won’t you let me out”

Love as Real Estate
© Jim Ocean

Please Mr. Tesla before you sign the final papers on your new home we do want to remind you that this property comes ‘as is’…

Listen darlin’ I understand that the sub-structure is completely infested with termites…I can’t believe how wonderful that it is…I’m gonna be crawlin’ around on my stomach for 6 or 7 months fixin’ things…

You did review the clause about the roof didn’t you?

You mean the dry rot in all the timber?

Yes!

It’s perfect! I’m gonna be up on ladders for weeks…I can’t wait to get started on this project…Where’s the pen? I’ll sign…I’ll sign…

The for sale signs were out this time
Your lawn grew long and so wild
Your bathroom leaked and your floorboards creaked
Your kitchen screamed for some tile
And the window panes were all cracked and stained
Where the walls stood sullenly brown
But I’ve got no sense so I fixed your fence
And I laid my money down

Love as real estate
You’re my fixer upper
Love as Real Estate
I don’t want no other
Love as real Estate
I’ll save you from the weather
Love as Real Estate
I’ll nail you back together

“You knew I was a nervous wreck when we first got involved!”
“Yes darling but that’s what attracted me to you in the first place.”
“Look, I’ve been in therapy for years to get over guys just like you!”
“But baby, you got such great potential.”
“I hate when you say that!”

The cobwebs hung when our love was young
We traced our hearts in the dust
And all that spring I fixed everything
Til I saw you shine through the rust
But you stayed concealed until your paint was peeled
And I saw your boards decompose
I just smiled and shrugged then I gassed your bugs
And I waited for escrow to close

Love as real estate
You’re my fixer upper
Love as Real Estate
I don’t want no other
Love as real Estate
I’ll save you from the weather
Love as Real Estate
I’ll nail you back together

Do you understand that I’m the kind of man
Who goes into love with a hammer in his hand
I’ll do the nailing when your foundation is failing

Up on the roof
(I’m up so high)
Down in your arms
(I guess you know)
Caught in the wire
(The reason why)
And covered in tar
(I’ll give you rope)
I’ll follow the codes
(I’ll give you twine)
With all new designs
(I’ll give you hope)
Until you don’t need me
And then I resign

Clipped and clean your lawn is green
Your stairs don’t sag like before
Your doorbell rings and your clothesline sings
You don’t need me anymore
So goodbye dear one it seems my work is done
There are other hearts left to mend
So I’ll hit the street for someone incomplete
Before their home and heart is condemned

Love as real estate
You’re my fixer upper
Love as Real Estate
I don’t want no other
Love as real Estate
Though your heart’s a shambles
Love as Real Estate
I’ll prune back the brambles

You can find me in the hardware store
You can find me in the hardware store

You can find me by the cans of plaster
In the aisle of hammers with my staple gun
I’ll be standing near the stains and lacquers
With my paint brush smile and my linoleum

You can find me in the hardware store
You can find me in the hardware store
You can find me…

Road to Gridlock
© Jim Ocean

(radio clicks on…helicopter traffic report ensues)…”for the last three days…that unidentified white powder spilled on Monday still has things pretty well backed up on I 80, but CalTrans and the DEA assure us that there should be some substantial movement by Friday…and a warning to all travelers east bound on the Bay Bridge… Berkeley is now ‘FULL’ and all traffic is being re-routed to Marin, where we’re assured, plenty of parking is still available.”

“How’s tricks in Contra Costa, Chet?”

“Well, I can’t see it from here Dave, but according to the CHP all traffic south bound on the Benicia Bridge has been re-routed to the Dunbarton Bridge, sooo, pack a lunch!”

“Have you got any movement on that parking contest?”

“Well, we did find….” (music comes up)

The cars ahead seem fossilized
We’re hardly moving
I’m hypnotized
Stuck in motion on the tar
In my metal dinosaur
Kept from moving by these hunks of steel
Watch the man go crazy at the wheel
On the slow, slow Road to Gridlock

This used to be a country town
It wasn’t hard to get around
Now there’s a light at every block
We measure inches by the clock
And everybody’s got a fast new car
That doesn’t mean that you can get too far
On the slow, slow Road to Gridlock

Oh, I’ve got a dream of moving down the highway
Oh, I’ve got a dream of moving down the highway

Can you be certain your wheels are still turning around
Nothing is moving I seem to be glued to the ground
Oh, I’ve got a dream of moving down the highway
Oh, I’ve got a dream of moving down the highway

Type A behavior is not in my favor today
Stuck to the street while my heart’s beating madly away

Oh, down the highway…
On the slow, slow road to gridlock

Some chew their fingers
Some strike a pose
Some read the paper
Some pick their nose
Some use a mirror
To comb their hair
It’s such a ritual
You see it everywhere
I feel my mind begin degenerating
Half of my life you’ll find me hibernating

On the slow, slow Road to Gridlock
On the slow, slow Road to Gridlock
Yes it’s a slow, slow road…

“I’m outa gas…”

Singing in the Acid Rain
Copyright by Jim Ocean
(capo @ 2)

Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Brown water rafting to nowhere

Hup…Here we go!

It was a beautiful neighborhood
With a view of the sea
But the microwave towered over
Like a steel canopy

But for the condo he made the sacrifice
Just to be sure he put some sperm on ice

And now he’s singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Brown water rafting to nowhere

She was a brilliant executive
With a nose for the top
And her posh LA office
Gave her such a view of the smog

She was oblivious to the yellow sky
She smiled at her future, and put drops in her eyes

And now she’s singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Brown water rafting to nowhere

In the town that I live in
You can hear a fire roar
Cuz the Shell Oil Refinery
Is just a mile from my door

It’s our own unofficial rent control
Affordable housing by the steel volcano

And now we’re singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Brown water rafting to nowhere

Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain
Singing in the acid rain

Who Is There Left to Fight
© Jim Ocean

Hai!

Who is there left to fight
I still feel the threat
Forty years of livin’ on dynamite
I can’t get rid of it
Who is there left to fight
I really wanna know
Who is there left to fight
We shoulda been dead long ago

Who is there left to fear
Should I cover my head?
Or is this feeling only a souvenir
And I can’t get used to it
Who is there left to fear
By now we should be history

I guess I’ll have to get ready for a very different kind of future
I guess I’ll have to get ready for a very different kind of future

I remember the enemy
Boris Badanov ,KGB
There was one behind every tree
And they were out to get you and me
Who is there left to fight…

School bells…school bells…
School bells ringing with the sirens
School bells ringing with the sirens

In the fall of ‘62
Was a day I won’t forget
Were kept inside the school
While the world held it’s breath
To hear the sounds of war
Just off the coast of Florida
And we finger painted
While the whole world waited
To go crazy one again

But it was just a false alarm
Like so many times before
So they sent us home unharmed
But the wolf was at the door
Howlin’ out the sounds of war
Just off the coast of Florida
Flash, duck, and cover
Love your children Mother
Try to tell them it’s all right

And I envied Bobbie Sherman
Cause his Father built him a shelter
While I had nothing solid just a carpet
To roll up in
Oh no!

And we watched the Twilight Zone…

School bells ringing with the siren
I guess I’ll have to get ready for a very different kind of future

I remember the enemy
Boris Badavov KGB
There was one behind every tree
And they were out to get you and me

Who is…Who is there left to…Who is…Who is there left…Who is…
Who is there left to fight?

Fear and Love

by Jim Ocean
© 2009, Jim Ocean Music

Fear has a crush on love
She's been inside his blood
Ever since he saw her
But Love just teases Fear along
Singing out a song
She knows will drive him crazy
Yea, Fear; he's got it bad for Love
But Love just teases him along.

Love is staring at the sky
She gets so hypnotized
She's so beguiled by weather
But Fear, he thinks that it's not fair
To see her flirting with the wind
It's more than he can bear
But Love keeps staring at the sky
And Fear, he's such a jealous guy

Love is drawn to passion
And when he swoops down from his dark cloud
She rides him into danger
Fear stares at the clouds
He knows the Wind's such a fickle lover
And with this thought, he says out loud
I&apos ve got to save her!

At that moment he was brave
At that moment he knew he had to save her
He flew right into the heart of the darkest cloud
At that moment he was furious
Risking everything he was feeling curious
He flew right into the heart of the darkest cloud

Then he thought he heard a sound
Yes, he thought he heard her calling
When the wind threw her down
That's when he caught her falling . . .

Then Love looked into his eyes
Seeing his surprise that she wasn&apos t leaving
He said, Hey, why don&apos t you turn away?”
She said, “You&apos re not Fear today . . .
And I always give my heart to Courage . . . ”
Yea, Fear; he's got it bad for Love
And Love, she just teases Fear along